my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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