We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
