i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
