Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
