We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
