if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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