Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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