Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
