Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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