If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
