either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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