So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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