the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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