you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you mean i was at the winter classic?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
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Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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