and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
