I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Boobs are out for the taking
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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