Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
my liver is dry heaving
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
