just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize