im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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