Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
