So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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