I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
