Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
