I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
