I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
