I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
