just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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