p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
