when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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