We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
