I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
