Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i dont even know how to be here
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
