Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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