Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
