i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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