I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
are you so shy because you have an std?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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