I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
