I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
