guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
