The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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