I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
