Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
