Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
and she was petting her beer can
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
