My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
