You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
