I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
