I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I had your ass I would rule the world
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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