i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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