Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
