hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
