Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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