so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
