Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize