you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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