it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
