apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
