It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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