I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
